When?

The whole reason behind doing this blog was to talk about things that happen to me while I work as a background actor on various film & television projects. For some reason, people like to hear about what happens on these sets and to hear what the famous actors are really like. I must admit that I enjoy the attention, and I'm always excited to work on something good, and I hope that I convey some of that to whoever is listening.

I didn't want to spend the rest of my life as a background actor. The next step was to actually get paid to speak lines. I'd go on auditions and never book anything. Theater, film, television, you name it, they didn't want me. The only principle work I've ever gotten as a SAG Actor was when I thought that I should've been upgraded on "Morning Glory". One of these days I'll write the full story about it, but the bottom line is that I had to complain for six months before I actually got the upgrade. Nobody was exactly chomping at the bit to offer me a role,and four years later, that hasn't changed.

Getting paid theater work was worse. I auditioned for a production of "I Love My Wife" at the Montgomery Theater, playing bass and acting, and thought I'd done OK. I got a call a few days later from Tom Quinn, the director, while I was in Port Authority waiting for the bus to come home form some audition. The first thing he asked me was "Why did you pick that song?" that I auditioned with. Strange question, I thought. Over the course of the conversation, Tom told me that 1) I could sing but I'm not a singer, 2) my acting shows no training and 3) I'm a heavy handed bass player. I had to do a major sell job in order to get cast. Once I did, he gave my song and a bunch of my lines to another actor. At least the other theaters were kinder when they didn't hire me. I didn't have to endure the humiliation of having my lines farmed out to the rest of the cast.

At some point, you have to ask yourself if the dream you're pursuing is gonna happen. You look at what's gone on in your life, particularly at the kind of work you're doing, and you have to make an assessment based on what's really happening, not on what you hope would happen, what you would like to have happen or what your fondest dreams are. You wake up after a few years thinking you're on the right track, but you're not. You're just another delusional fool, a marginal talent who thought that he was more than he really was.

I've taken a look at my so-called career, and here's what I saw. No principle work over the past four years. Revenue flat from last year. I've submitted for hundreds of roles over the past few years, and I've only booked background parts. The only time people want me in a speaking part is when no money will change hands. The only survival job I can land is part time at a pay rate barely above minimum wage. I can't make any of my bills without help, and if I try to refinance my mortgage, banks say no because they can't reconcile the debt-to-income ratio. Not exactly a bright future.

What makes things worse are the well meaning friends who say things like "Oh, you're so talented!" " What a wonderful voice!" "I'm sure something will happen for you!" They don't know how much that hurts. I've been hearing things like that all my life: from teachers who had really high expectations of me, from people who have absolutely no clue about what's really going on.

I don't think God wants me to do this. I think God wants me to be what I am: a nameless, faceless entity, destined to be nothing more than a clerk in a store, shovelling out low priced product to the uneducated, the inbred, the addicted and the illegal. The only success I've ever had was working in retail, and maybe that's where I belong.

Funny. I'd always hoped for more.